Like, why was there not one single thing I could be passionate about from an early age, something I could have devoted my energy to doing instead of switching from one thing to another, never becoming a master at anything, and only mediocre, at best, of few, or many things? I truly envy those people who have a desire to focus on one particular thing in their life. My sons were lucky to be like that. They each had a specific area where they had an undying interest to achieve, whether it be as a policeman, a chef, or an expert with knowledge of comic art as well as art in general. We, as parents, attempted to encourage each of these areas while allowing them to explore other things as well. But, for them, they knew what they wanted to do, and were able to focus on just those areas.
While I realize it was because of how they grew up my parents never once asked me what I wanted to do with my life, or what I had an interest in. My father, God rest his soul, was never close to me. He was a tool and die engineer, and all I ever heard from him was "be and engineer". I never ever looked into being an engineer, mostly because I heard that so many times I would not have been one if it was the only thing there was to do in the world.
Looking back, even when I was young, I could never settle on anything. There were always too many things I found interesting, and if I started one thing, eventually I would loose interest in that and start something else. This process probably had nothing to do with how I was raised, but I guess I will never know. I mean, other people have problems growing up, yet they have things or something they focused on and made their way in the world. So, the bottom line was and is, the problem, whatever it is, is within, not the result of some external force or parents.
Some people have been kind enough to suggest things I could do, like join the Peace Corp. While I have the utmost respect for the people that have done that, it's not me. Others say, go to school and learn something. Okay. What do I want to learn? If I had it to do over again, what would I study? Architecture? I'd love to have the ability to create beautiful and functional buildings that would allow the people in them to achieve their best... No, perhaps I'd study Journalism. I'd like to be a reporter, gather stories of people, real people, and let the world know what's really going on... And, I'd like to study Art History, how and where color comes from, how did the Impressionists layer their paintings, bringing the colors together to capture a moment in time that will be appreciated for many after they passed... I'd really like to study Marine Biology as I love the sea and all the wonders and nourishment one finds within the world below us... History has a special place in my heart, albeit small, to allow all to look back at how we arrive here, and how things might have been different if only... I wish I had studied languages so I could travel and speak to the people of the world, learn about them, and how their lives and cultures developed...
And now you see just a portion of why I envy people who were able to focus on something, have a passion about something. I was asked more than once in my life what my passion was, or is. I could never come up with something, so I evaluated the person I was speaking with, and lied to them, telling them what I thought they wanted to hear in order for me not be be fired from my job.
Even though I know my lack of achieving anything of merit is based within, it does not make one feel any better knowing that once I'm history that the words brought to mind when, or if, someone thinks of my time on earth will end up being..."Yeah, I remember him. He was really great at......?
